Viagra.

VIAGRA...fifty bucks a go! Jeez...that's a stiff price.

Mink coats and "Minke" boats.

SOME years ago, animal activists created such a stink that women were induced to relinquish the fetid habit of wearing mink coats.
How wonderful it would be if those brave Greenpeace activists could emulate the kind of olfactory sensation that would force the Japanese to abandon the cruel slaughter of whales via their malodorous "minke" boats.

Ruddy faced Santa.

AND how did that ruddy faced Santa make his presence felt at our house this Christmas? Through my ruddy credit card!

Tookie

THE Terminator has done it again. But this time, to my regret, he wasn't acting.

Eye-opener

CORPSE coins were pennies placed on the eyelids of dead persons to prevent them from opening. Of course, it doesn't work with politicians because their huge superannuation payouts are such an eye-opener.

Calendar quotation

KNOWING that you know little, is knowing a great deal indeed.

Wet, wet, wet.

So, Perth's beautiful belltower is leaking. Is this what they mean by ringing wet?

H2 OH!

THE Water Corporation is looking into the possibility of producing drinking water from sewage. But surely the consumer will vacillate on this, and thus the prospect inevitably falls between two stools.

Eiderdown?

POLITICIANS make strange bedfellows. They spend years feather-bedding the economy, then the economy spends years feather-bedding them. It just gets me down.

Son ain't shining

ARE we witnessing another Texan son sinking slowly in the East?

Conductor

Gordon Brown, you can't be the conductor, mate, you're playing second fiddle.

Bellyflop

THIS Atkins diet is serious stuff - after six weeks on it, I can't raise a big belly laugh.

Flash by

WE ARE fast approaching tax-return time. Which reminds me, speed cameras are just like the tax department - they take your money in a flash.

Magic

IN A jiffy, the tax department conjures pure magic - it makes all my savings disappear!

Successful failure

IF at first you don't succeed, try and drag the other buggers down with you!

Mutiny

MEMBERS of Parliament should be recompensed under a bounty system - set them all adrift in a small boat!

Hot to trot

POLITICIANS should be made to run for office more frequently. I would suggest about ten miles a day!

Keep your pecker up

LIFE is brief, and, before you know it, the elastic's gone!

Thing along

A local council is going to ban thongs in its public gallery.
What's going to happen to the people who thing them?

Cholesterol salad

BALANCED meal: the greasy thing on your lap at a bush barbecue.

Rain of terror

IN England, a lump of frozen urine the size of a tennis ball fell from a plane and crashed through an elderly couple's roof.
How did they know it wasn't airline coffee? Tastes just the same.

Equal opportunity

WE all like a fair go - particularly if we can get more of it than the next bloke.

Cheap Trick

WITH a wave of his wand, the magician makes things vanish with apparent ease. But making bigotry disappear is more difficult, for it requires one who can pull habits from rats.

Fitting punishment

WHAT punishment do members of parliament deserve when they are found to have misled the people? Well, if lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, shouldn't politicians be dismembered?

Political assurances

POLITICAL assurances are much like those of dentists: you are told it won't hurt; it does, and then you end up paying for it!

Safe sex

SAFE sex is good...but there's not much room!